Take The Tiger By The Wings

Phoenix Tiger!
As my last day in Thailand approached I needed to figure out what my final activities would be. Before i left the States i was told by multiple sources that the go to places in Bangkok were the Grand Palace and the Chatuchak Weekend Market. Both of which to this point i had neglected. All week i had pretty much accepted this is what i would be doing on my final day. A little wiser and a little more educated about Bangkok, i started to think otherwise. I realized the most of the things that people suggested had ended up being big tourist traps that i personally just did not enjoy. At this point, i really wanted a shirt in written in Thai that says 'No, I don't want your shitty craft, t-shirt, and or knockoff'. I figured i would sleep on it and decided what i would do in the morning. After waking up i grabbed some breakfast and decided i would do something completely different.



I kept thinking about all of the images i saw before i booked my trip of the beautiful crystal clear coastlines of Thailand. I asked around and found out the closest beach to Bangkok was in this smaller town called Pattaya about 2 hours south. Now i just needed to get there. I looked around and was able to find a driver who would drive me wherever i wanted for the day for 3000 baht($90), no matter the distance. Done deal.

Ladies and gentleman, i now introduce you to Mr. Sutin Hongthong.



Yes Hongthong. Mr. Hongthong was my driver for the day. Mr. Hongthong was similar to Mr. Sack except that he drove a Mercedes and spoke no English. He also drove like a fucking maniac. It didn't help that none of the controls on his dashboard worked. We are talking no speedometer, no gas level, no clock, nothing. At that point i was just hoping my seat belt was still in tact. I cant tell you for sure how fast we were going but it was fast enough for not only the car to shake but for everyone else on the highway to look like a blur.

He pretty much drove in the fast lane the entire time. If a slower car was in front of him it didn't really stop. He would attack them at full speed and hope they moved out of the way. Luckily everyone moved. He didn't wait for them to fully move over either. We almost clipped a number of cars but he kept his cool (or his crazy, not sure which is more suitable here). I would say his driving style is similar to how i played the Chicago level on Cruis'n USA (the original arcade version, not the stupid 'exotic' or N64 versions that no one liked). Regardless of his tactics, he was effective. The drive time was significantly shorter than initially quoted.

On the way to the beach, Mr. Hongthong handed me a magical piece of paper. It was a brochure to for a special special place called The Sriracha Tiger Zoo.



I was fantastically overwhelmed when i read the list of things they had to do. It was like they took all the things you have always wanted to do at a Zoo but couldn't because it wasn't 'Acceptable' or 'Safe'. I quickly gave him a thumbs up and we were on our way. I will now read you off the list with photographic accompaniment of what i did.

Feed a crocodile a raw chicken tied to a string on a metal pole!




Pet a tiger!



Hand feed a baby tiger!



Shoot and feed!

When i first saw the sign for shoot and feed i was a bit confused. I mean shouldn't i feed it before i shoot it? Convinced this was broken English i investigated further. I was wrong. It was shoot and feed. What you would do was rent a rifle from the staff and shoot at these targets hanging over the tigers cage. If you were successful in hitting one of them, a chunk of some animal falls out of the trap into the tiger pit.






Hand feed a baby elephant!



Tiger Dome!



Pigs breast feeding tiger cubs!



Hang out with some deer!



Tiger sex!




Ride a crocodile!
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Crocodile show!



Pig Racing!



Math problem solving Pig!




Scorpion queen!

Not only was this the most falsely advertised item, i rather embarrassed myself in the exhibit. A number of places in the park were fairly deserted and this exhibit appeared to be in the same boat. In my head i had made a theme song for the scorpion queen. The lyrics consisted of only 'Scorpion Queen!' and it had a super hero vibe to the music. As i wondered into the cave i felt this was a better time than any to start singing it.

I then walked around the corner and standing alone in the cave was the scorpion queen, who had clearly heard everything. Stunned and embarrassed i asked to take a picture of her and quickly left. It was literally a lady with a cheesy shirt with plastic scorpions sewed to it. So scary! I wonder if she liked my song...



Eat a crocodile!



Hang out with an orangutan!



Pet a bunny!



See the worlds largest rodent (capybara)!



Stair at a camel!



It really was an overwhelming experience. It had a similar feeling to my first time i went to Disneyland (which is still the best moment of my life). This wasn't at that level, but i had the same sense of amazement. I was exhausted with awesomeness. After i had achieved all there was to do, i went back to where Mr. Homgthong said he would meet me. He was not there. Super.

Before i left he did give me a card with his number on it so i found a pay phone and called him. Being that we couldn't communicate at all i could have said anything on the phone and it would have been equally as effective. Hoping he would know it was me i waited back at the meeting point. About 10 minutes later he came back, made eye contact with me, and walked on by. This confused me a bit because i was the only white guy at this place. Maybe i just fit in that well... Anyways i chased him down and we were off.

Mr. Hongthong didn't let our language barrier affect his service. After every stop he would call one of his friends who knew some English, tell him something, hand the phone to me, have his friend tell me what he said, have me tell the friend where i wanted to go, then pass the phone back. It worked most of the time but we will get back to that later. I told his friend i wanted to go to the beach and he said he would suggest Tandong/Tanwang beach. I know it was one of those but i don't remember which exactly. The only reason I remember it is because the only thing i could think about after he said it was that he was taking me to some gay Thailand sex tourism nude beach full of tan dongs. Luckily this was not a direct translation.



The weather was overcast and a little rainy but i didnt mind. It made for a nice breezy afternoon with no need for suntan lotion and a nice sprinkle here and there. I sat back, relaxed, and enjoyed the view. I had been trying to cram so much into this trip that i never really got a chance to relax. This was a nice change of pace to wind down the trip.







After about 3 hours i decided it was time to head back. I would be staying at a different hotel the final night that was closer to the airport because my flight was at 5:40 the next morning. As we drove back Mr. S called his friend to see where to next. He had been told prior to leaving that i had a hotel by the airport so he was requesting the address. Somehow during the day i had lost the address and couldn't give it to him. He did not understand. He must have called everyone he knew that could speak any English but none of them could understand my delima. I finally just kept telling them 'No Hotel, Airport'. After 2-3 calls of this he finally gave up and headed towards the airport.

Once we arrived i noticed that he was going towards the hotels. I again insisted 'No Hotel, Airport'. It was shortly after i realized there was a hotel by the airport called 'Novotel'. Really Thailand? What the hell. Boy did i look like an idiot jackass. He pulled into the Novotel and i got someone to tell him to just take me to the terminal. A little confused he did so and we said our goodbyes. I contemplated sleeping in the airport but instead got online and found the address. I then hired a cab and went over for my short sleep. I will be leaving in the morning and that will be that. What i can say is i'm fairly confident i made the right decision today.

Ping Pong

During the one hour of research I conducted prior to coming to Thailand, I came across an odd post on a Lonely Planet forum. It was about the tradition of visiting the red light district on your last night in Bangkok. It went on to describe some of the more interesting things you would encounter and what to expect. Since it was my last full night in Bangkok, I was wondering if I should give one of these areas a look. The consensus online seemed to be that an area called Soi Cowboy was the safest and most accessible location for a westerner like myself. I mean with a name like Cowboy how can you go wrong, right?

After some internal back and forth I finally decided I would see what it was all about. The street was only about 2km away from my hotel so I decided I would just walk there. Forgetting how humid it is in Thailand I was absolutely drenched in sweat and disgusting by the time I arrived. As I followed the glowing neon I quickly realized what a completely bizarre experience it is walking down a street where you know 95% of the women you encounter are hookers. It was quite an awkward situation for me so I just walked straight, looked straight, and never made eye contact. Photographs are frowned upon in this area for obvious reasons so I resorted to my good friend the hip shot. Most of my photos came out bury but these should give you a general idea.









I made three passes on the short street before I mustered up the courage to enter one of the bars. It was a standard topless bar for the most part (if you forget the fact that all the dancers were also prostitutes). The first thing I noticed was how awkward this whole system is. You know that feeling when you are on a bad date and you both have run out of things to say? And you just sit at the table looking around not making eye contact and passively trying to think of something to say? This is the stage that all of the guys in the bar and their 'dates' had reached. Except after all this awkwardness they had to go back to his place and have even more awkward sex.

I was taken to a seat at the edge of the stage and I ordered a beer. For the most part it was fairly boring. They had the girls come out and dance to different themes like pirates or cowgirls. I had finished my beer and I was just getting ready to leave when the song 'If I Die Young' came on the speakers. If you are unfamiliar with this song I suggest watching the following video. Its a slow ballad with lyrics like 'Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother' and 'If I die young, bury me in satin...Sink me in the river, at dawn'. It is probably the lest appropriate strip club song ever. No I take that back, 'Who Let The Dogs Out' probably owns that title. Knowing the song well, I stopped in my tracks as soon as I heard the intro.



As the song continued two girls came out in bikinis caring lawn chairs. They then sat down and started rubbing lotion on their skin as the slow country song played. I was just watching in amazement. I couldn't believe that they were even attempting this. As the song ended I was still in complete shock, and that's when things got weird.

A few of the ladies brought out bunches of balloons and placed them around the ceiling. What happened next is known as a 'Ping Pong' show. For the purpose of this blog i will not be going into the specifics of a ping pong show. However if you are unfamiliar with this concept I reccomend you google it (with a NSFW warning). What I can tell you is it involves lit cigaretts, a horn, a 30 foot lei, dart guns, and ping pong balls.

I wont lie, I watched the whole thing, and i giggled the entire time. I had seen something tonight, but what it was I was not quite sure. After it ended I started my walk home. I was hungry so on the way back I bought some street food. I don't know if i have described my method for order street food but its a very scientific process.

Being that most of the signs don't have any English on them, I usually come up to the stand pointing at a word on the menu and holding up either a 1 or 2 with my fingers. I then nod to anything they say from that point on until i have my food. My prize this time turned out to be a big bowl of pig intestines with cucumbers and hot sauce. It was okay.



I think my dinner really reflected my overall decision making that night. Its one of those things that im glad I did but really have no interest in seeing again. Giddy Up.