Today was my second guided tour but this time it was a group tour. The bus picked me up at my hotel at 6:30 AM and we were off. To my surprise i was the only American on board. There were four Dutch, one Italian, and four Chinese. It actually was nice to have no other native English speakers in the group because i didn't have to hear their stupid comments about everything.
Our first stop was an elephant farm in the jungle about an hour outside of Bangkok. They were offering elephant rides and i was more than happy to take part. Because i was alone the handler let me sit on the elephants neck instead of the stupid seat thing they have for regular riders.
It was a nice break from the busyness of Bangkok. We even went through a river which was pretty sweet. The highlight had to be when the handler offered me ivory jewelry while we were still on the elephant. I politely declined but was not surprised. Although they kept reinforcing that the elephant was a lucky animal for their culture, they sure treated them like shit.
Once my elephant ride was done we boarded a water taxi and headed down to Damnoen Sadauk Floating Market.
We were told is one of the last original floating markets left in Thailand. If by original they meant full of nick nacks and cheesy tourist souvenirs then yes, very original. This was a huge let down. I had been looking forward to this tour because i had assumed original meant authentic and still relevant. It looked cool for a while but almost every boat was full of tourists and every stand was the same things they sell on the streets of Bangkok.
The sellers were really at an advantage in this market. If you made any eye contact at all (weather it be just looking around or actually interested in something) they would pull out this cane like they had from vaudeville to pull crappy acts off the stage. They would hook your boat and pull you in to their stall. Then the hard sell came. I've developed a pretty standard rule for pricing things here. They will always hit you at around 300% of what they actually plan to sell it for. If you keep walking away they price drops. The problem here is there was no walking away. I had a guy hit me with a 600 baht price tag for an item i didn't want. I turned away and ignored him and by the time he was done yelling it was at around 190 baht. He eventually gave up once he saw my power beard. Others gave into the pressure and were not as lucky. All in all id say avoid this mess of a tour.
After i had the one encounter with the stall salesmen i decided to not look at anyone anymore. This lead to some pretty interesting no look hip shots of some of the locals. I think some of them turned out pretty good.
After i got off the boat i still had some time to kill before the bus left. Already done with this market i needed something to eat because i missed breakfast due to the early departure. I found a food stall and ordered pork with rice. It was bland and horrible. I went outside and found a 7-Eleven across the street and got a Slurpee to make up for it. Grape to be exact.
The time came to finally leave and our next stop was a snake farm. This wasn't a farm so much as one of the sadder reptile Zoos i have been to. It was what you would expect from a third world attempt at a Zoo. Small cages, sad hungry looking animals, poor conditions, dirty, ect.
At the end of the Zoo was an arena. And this is the moment you have all been waiting for... The Most Exciting Show In The World! AKA the cobra show. If your an animal rights activist you will hate this. If your a redneck you will love it. I fall kind of in the middle. I will say i mildly enjoyed it but eventually felt bad for the snakes.
The show consisted of 5 'Acts' all narrated by an old man with very bad English. Act 1: Man Dodges Venomous Cobra!
This was fairly unimpressive (especially since we were told all of the snakes were trained ahead of time). He pretty much held its tail and then tried to get the snake to strike him. He then held it up for everyone to see. Then it got a little weird. They first took the snake around the crowd and bled its fangs to show it was still poisonous and that the danger was real! Next they let us all pet it while they crushed its head between their fingers. They they pulled its foreskin back and show us its penises. Yes i said penises.
Apparently male cobras have two penises. But don't worry, they informed us the ladies also have two vaginas. Glad they cleared that up. People were literally running to the front row to take photos of the cobra penises. It was rather strange. One lady asked if she could touch it and since we were in Thailand, they let her. After all of that i hope your ready for Act 2: Mongoose V. Cobra, battle to the death!
Okay not death but until the cobra was pretty messed up and bleeding a little. They wheeled out a see through box with a mongoose and just dropped a cobra in. Hilarity ensued. Once they sensed the cobra was loosing they tried to pull it out. This was not in the mongooses game plan. He jumped up and clung to the snake like a monkey to a tree branch and pulled it back in. A few more tries and they got the cobra out. I'm fairly sure it is dead at this point but that cant be verified. They assured us no cobras die in the stunt so i guess i can sleep easy now.
Time for Act 3: Jumping Water Snake!
Having seen the jumping water snake in action i am not sure how much this snake actually jumps. They would pretty much grab its tail and throw it across the small arena. It would smack against the wall towards the crowd, some water would splash up, crowd would scream, and then they would try it again. It was rather strange but hey its a cobra show. Go big or go home. This brings us to Act 4: Jumping Water Python!
They didn't call it a jumping water python (partially because i don't think those exist) but they performed the exact same stunt as before. Throw snake, crowd yells, ect. This stunt required 3 people to complete it and was just as exciting as the last. Super exciting. At the end they completely crushed the snakes head in their hands and paraded it around the crowd. Again people rushed up to take this strange photo. I was in the front row so no rushing needed. VIP.
It was now time for the 5th and final Act: Man Vs. 3 Snakes!
If you thought the first act was exciting, this would put you through the roof! So much dodging. So many snakes thrown. The climax to the whole show was at the end the guy caught all three snakes. You may be asking yourself 'Hey, humans only have two arms. How could a man possibly catch all three snakes when he is lacking the third necessary arm to complete this challenging task?'.
With his mouth of course! This guy literally, with a snake in each hand, dove to the ground and bit the snakes neck with his teeth and then picked it up in his mouth. He then took the snake and swung it over his head like a helicopter blade. The crowd went nuts. It was a little hard to watch for me. I'm pretty sure he hurt this snake fairly badly but hey if your the most exciting show in the world you have to deliver. As you can imagine it was very tough trying to go to our next stop with all of this adrenalin pumping but we managed. The next stop was labeled a local wood carving market but was really just another tourist trap. I was not amused.
The ride back to Bangkok took about an hour and a half. This did not include the time it took to drop everyone off at their hotel in rush hour. It was taking forever and we were not moving. I got cranky and when the van was at a stop light i jumped out and walked away. Luckily i was able to find my way back to the hotel. I think i would have been on that friggin bus for another hour and a half at least. It was super horrible. All and all an ok day at best. Peaked too soon. All i can say is stay away from this tour.
I am now waiting on the skeezy suit guy to deliver my suit to my room. Wish me luck...
